DR PEPPER'S LAST STAND
HARRY THOMAS DANVERS
'I say it's not a recession and it never was. The word is depression with a capital D!" Dr Elmar Pepper pronounced in the House of Representatives, in an unprecedented speech. His colleagues referred to him as the Old Mothball."And furthermore, you can't cure a sick person if you don't know the disease. It's the same thing with our country'. We call it a cold, but we have pneumonia!"the old man declared in a hissing, Southern drawl.
He had been a Congressman for as long as anyone could remember, from the great state of West-by god-Virginia. He favored an austere appearance, as with suits bought off the rack; cheap shirts and ties and it was even hinted that he wore long underwear during the winter months in Washington. He still had a full head of white hair, but this always seemed a little too long and unkempt. Perhaps his worse vice was that he could play a mean fiddle, with his specialty being: Turkey in the Straw.
It appeared that the rest of his colleagues were all under fifty and if they had passed that age, they were flabby, with a couple of bypasses and destined to the morgue, long before their time. They were also fastidious in their dress and attended to daily by an Italian barber, Greek manicurist and a French tailor. Therefore their seams were never creased.
Now the fact that Dr Pepper was ninety meant he was past retirement and everyone knew he had to go. Nevertheless, he was the Speaker of the House, so they had to listen to him. His remarks filtered in through messages sent over Blackberries, from constituents, in the far off states, which they represented.
And who was this Dr.Pepper anyway? Everyone knew he had a theologian degree from some obscure or non-existent university, buried somewhere in Oklahoma or maybe Texas. Dr of snake oils, is what the majority thought and perhaps they were right, but he seemed to love his country and certainly he was a duly elected official.
"You all know that when we first started this country we were in terrible debt but with the help of God were got out of it. The position we were in after two world wars has brought us to the top of world domination, which means we have to be reckoned with. At the same time, since we are a world leader, we have to make sure our own house is in order. We might follow the rules that FDR used during the depression in the thirties, but I don't think that would work today. We could print more money, but that would leave us with a Confederate Greenback. Just a piece of paper."Dr Pepper explained, but he could see that no one was listening to him. It was disheartening to think he was being ignored, not because it hurt his pride. He had long ago given that up when he had entered public office. No, it was because he felt that these young Representatives didn't realize the responsibility which had been placed upon them by the citizens of the United States. He knew due to his age and experience and therefore was determined to make them understand."At the same time, I don't pretend to have all the answers, although the problem is clear. That's why we're here and why you were all elected Federal officials. So, I suggest you all get your heads together and come up with some good ideas, because I'm not leaving this house, until it's put in order again!" This last burst of energy caused the other members of the House to pause for a moment. Was this man insane or just dotty? some considered, but his exit was unmistakable in its conviction, when he concluded: "You might want to call it Dr. Pepper's last stand."
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