WHAT THOMAS SAID IN THE PUB

WHAT THOMAS SAID IN THE PUB
by Harry Thomas Danvers on Friday, November 11, 2011 at 12:06pm


“I say the universe is square! Why should it be rounded like an egg? If it were rounded as such, we would all have an omelet for breakfast.

It was a logical argument and one that went down well with the boys on the dole. This was their cathedral; their harbinger of light. It might have consisted of four, dreary walls and the possibility of no exit; but alas! It was home.

“Now Thomas, that doesn’t seem logical at all. It’s like saying since the moon is made of green cheese, we should be able to flavor all our potatoes with its substance,”Patric ventured, who claimed that he was a veteran of the revolution, which apparently had no beginning although he sided with Yeats in that: A terrible beauty was born.

“I’m not talking about potatoes Patrick or eggs for that matter. That would have to come under a culinary subject. What I am speaking about deals with physics or perhaps you’re not acquainted with that science?”

A taste of the wonderful, tap beer had to be savored before an adequate response could be formed. It was precisely at that point that Kevin O’Brian, Jim McDonnell and Bill Delany joined the wonders of this Sunday afternoon fete, a la Irish. They were quickly served their mugs, without asking, from a fellow with a red beard, whose great grandfather had pumped suds at the same station.

“Now physics, even though it remains a serious mathematical study, is really based on metaphysics. Do you follow me Thomas?”Patrick inquired, to which the three newcomers trained their eyes on the one they assumed was the victim. Of course they had not heard the beginning of the discussion, but they were always willing for a fight; be it physical or otherwise

Thomas merely nodded his head. He allowed his eyelids to droop; not enough to plead defeat, but sufficiently deceptive to acknowledge this was becoming a recondite discourse. In fact he was about to elaborate, when McDonnell pointed out “Metaphysics is a science that defies reality to the point that any possibility can come into play, while physics attempts to coral it in numbers…”

“Like a horse?”Delany inquired with puerile glee.

“Any quadruple animal, “O’Brian quipped, taking a long pull from his mug.

Now the red bearded barman stopped his polishing of the well worn wood, for he sensed that there was something there which could be enjoyed about something he knew nothing about, albeit sensed it had to be interesting and perhaps was related to the same material his great grandfather had witnessed.

“Very true lad, but physics defines the idea, so that, mathematically speaking, you can’t put a round peg in a square hole. It doesn’t fit!”

“In other words, the universe cannot be square. It must be rounded,”O’Brian suggested, as though mocking his sagacity. Apparently it was lost on Patrick, who felt he had met his goal, as he burst out:

“Exactly!

At this point Thomas was about to give him a round house(scientifically speaking) but suddenly up comes Delany with another plausible reality.

“Now you all know that I was cop in Dublin, just like my father and grandfather before me, so I’ll rest this statement on their souls. We all had our beat and that was that. Some of it was padded with generosity while other parts were stark bare, if you know where I’m coming from . In other words there was a snatch of whisky when you needed it and not much there after that. But that’s not the point. The point is that it was all done on squares. The beat that is. It was all squared out and there were no circles. That’s a fact and therefore I must side with Thomas on this matter or risk the vengeance of my ancestors.”

“Flat feet neither make round nor square universes. Nor does rubber worn out on the bottom of your shoes provide you with a proper insight to either physics or metaphysics. I rest my case.”Patrick stated and that seemed to cause a counterstroke which put Thomas on the ropes although he was not quite on the floor. He had to say something, but his knees were weak and his mug was half empty. He could have pleaded for another one but he felt reluctant at this point of the contest and strangely enough, it was the red bearded barman, who came to his unexpected rescue.

“But we’re not talking about rubber or even shoes here. What we are talking about is the fact that the universe is either round or square. Thomas made the motion, which was fair enough and then Patrick and the other three jurists denied it but they haven’t given enough reason to wet my beak with their persuasions. Therefore I would like to know whether the universe is round or square, without having to kiss the blarney stone.”

“As a jourist,”McDonnell volunteered, “I feel that the issue cannot be adequately cleared up since one does not have a rope long enough to measure the universe and therefore there can be no answer here.”

“I agree, “O’Brian concured,”but not because there’s no answer. Many an answer has been distorted because no one understood the question…”

“I’ll drink to that!”Delany chimed in and presently all their mugs were filled, while their brains raced on.

For some reason they gulped that down and were given another by the silent man behind the bar. Apparently he was thinking too. What more could be said: That Ireland was not green? That there was no such thing as leprecouns? Absurd! Ridiculous! At least that much was established, but this thing about the universe was baffling and everyone must have agreed, for they had a few more tugs on their mugs and left in silence, without anything being resolved.

No one ever spoke again about that day, although it was well remembered. It was commonly referred to as: WHAT THOMAS SAID IN THE PUB.